Nurse Nancy
With the new trend in our society towards promiscuity, Social Diseases have increased to epidemic proportions. This week Nurse Nancy, our source authority on medical misinformation, answers "Common questions on Social Diseases."
Question - Dear Nurse Nancy, I've heard so much about V.D. recently, but I'd like to know a little more about its background. Please tell me how it got started and how it's spread.
Answer - The history of V.D. is a most interesting story, reaching far back into our Christian heritage. Many hundreds of years ago in the monastaries of Europe, monks held annual parties for the local impoverished children in honor of St. Valentine. Each year following the celebration, a rash of colds and common childhood afflictions occurred. Consequently the term V.D. or Valentines Day came to mean the spreading of communicable diseases among people involved in any type of social intercourse.
The era of the European Ship-Set represented by noted swingers as Columbus and Magellan, witnessed the beginning of a large scale "Hands Across The Ocean" party crowd. These wild soires afforded much opportunity for germs spreading, including peacepipe passing, and the failure of Europeans to wash their hands before eating. Also the language barrier often made sign and body language imperative. Many a chest cold was spread in an attempt to put some point across. Thus V.D. passed down through the ages due to man's natural "come one-come all" social instinct.
Question - Dear Nurse Nancy, I woke up this morning and noticed that the entire lower half of my body was a strange shade of green. My private parts had fallen off, my nose caved in, and a little later I began losing my sight. I'm having trouble remembering things. Is there a chance I may have syphilis?
Answer - Your symptoms indicate either a severe case of tertiary syphilis or you're turning into a toad. Have you spent the night near a pond recently?
If it's syphilis, cheer up. It may be an indication of future success. Many great men of history, including several popes, and kings, Dante and George Washington just to name a few all shared that certain something, syphilis. For more information write for my free booklet Famous Syphilitics - History's Great Balls of Fire.
Question - Dear N.N., My boyfriend just found out he has gonorrhea. Can I catch it from him?
Answer - Gonorrhea is a medical term referring to the inflamation of the gonorrhads, a small isolated region between the legs. The major cause of gonorrhea is prolonged abrasive contact with the tender gonorrhads, such as walking long distances in coarse clothing. This is why so many of our G.I.'s come home from the service with the painful disease.
The recent trend among the young to dance wildly at parties in heavy blue jeans also accounts for the marked upswing of gonorrhea in the student populaton.
Technically you need not worry about catching it from your boyfriend. However, if you plan on sharing certain phisical activities that involve much friction to the gonorrhads, the possibility does exist.
Question - Dear Nurse Nancy, some friends slept in my bed last week. Now I've got crabs. What should I do?
Answer - The problem of unwanted crabs is a moral issue facing the entire nation. Millions of these helpless creatures are abandoned yearly by so called "friends" who fail to take the responsibility of caring for their crabs. The great rise in the crab population is a direct result of owners not spaying their females. Major problems caused by crabs include messes on lawns, garden destruction and bicycle chasing.
Last month the S.P.C.C. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Crabs) ran a sweep for stray crabs in Isla Vista. In a remarkable show of force, they picked up over 40,000 uncollared and unlicensed crabs.
The crab problem needs immediate attention. If you cannot provide a proper home for your crabs, I suggest placing them up for adoption at the Crab Humane Society of Santa Barbara. The C.H.S. finds loving homes for many each year and puts the less fortunate to sleep. For anyone interested in the Crab Cause, I recommend seeing that touching documentary starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell, "The Seven Year Itch."
If you have a problem, or need medical misinformation of any kind, please direct your correspondence to:
Nurse Nancy c/o ZOG NewsletterBox 766Goleta, California